I cried today. A LOT!!! Most everyone knows that I work 7 on 7 off night shift. This shift that is closing is night # 7. Needless to say, I am exhausted! Going back and forth from one hospital for work, the other hospital for my grandmother, home to sleep, and try to retain some of my sanity has proved to be a little difficult for me toward the end of the week.
I woke up today scared half to death by my wonderful husband. He has been growing a full on beard for 7 weeks. I saw him this morning before he went to church and told him that I wanted to leave for the hospital around 3:30. I heard the bedroom door open and didn't recognize the person standing there. After regaining composure, I realized that yes it was my husband, however, he had shaved and I could see his face. It took me a moment to orient myself to my surroundings and then I was okay. Of course I couldn't go back to sleep after that.
We did get to the hospital to see my grandmother around 4. She is still doing about the same. We are still taking it day by day according to her bloodwork and xrays. She is on the max amount of oxygen. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't a little bummed out. I want improvement and I want it now! Even if it's just a little bit. They still have her on A LOT of sedation medication. While the nurse was changing out her tubing and hanging new bags of fluid, Mamaw started fluttering her eyelids like she was trying to open them. We started talking to her, and one tear fell down her cheek. Devastating! I really held it together for a while. I didn't say anything to my husband or my family. I just internalized it. We went home and watched the season premier of 24. (Big fan, by the way. I know you are shocked, I like another TV show.) On my way to work, I was having flashbacks of being in her room seeing her tear.
Let me just tell you, I have not cried like that in I couldn't tell you how long. I have cried a lot during this entire hospitalization, but I am talking, wailing. Sloppy tears, with snot running down my face. (Sorry TMI!) I even yelled for a minute at God. I want my grandmother back! I want her well, I want her coming to Alabaster and meeting me to have lunch and go shopping. I want to sit with her in her new sunroom watching game shows and joking about how dumb they make us feel. I want things back the way they were before she was sick. I know in my heart of hearts that God is in control. I know that she is going to be okay whether I get the results that I want or not. But today, I am mad! I am hurting! I am a mess-a hot mess! It's just not fair! And now I feel a little better by writing that down. Thanks for reading if you made it through!